søndag den 30. januar 2011

Sometimes I know I can’t, but I want to help you dammit!

Have you ever had a friend, family member or class mate who you knew was a cutter or in another way a person who dealt damage to him or herself? Do you remember how scared you were when you found out, how disgusted you were? How your head started spinning with different feelings but the same question keeps popping into your mind every time… why? Why would she ever do this horrible thing to her/himself? Why would the person voluntarily leave a permanent selection of scars on his/hers arms, legs and stomach as a reminder of a horrible period in their life when they look at them? I don’t know but it scares the shit out of me when I see a person do it. In most cases it’s because they either try to control their cooped up feelings or to get attention in either way it’s a horrible thing to do.

People get so scared and angry when they see a person do it and I have seen e person do it. My own sister. I remembered being disgusted and getting nauseous when I saw her scars in her arms. She too had a tough period in her life, she couldn’t control her feelings and she had a hard time dealing with who she were and that she was the “grown up” in the family since my mother was hospitalized, due to her back. When I first saw her scars I felt like I didn’t know my own sister any more, it was like she was an entirely different person and I suddenly grew further and further apart from her. I am really sad about how I reacted back then and after what I saw there I tried to help everybody I knew with their problems.

The problem is just I always try to help everybody I know even if we’re not best friends or buddies but just friend, and that because I want everybody I know to feel happy and good about themselves. But I can’t stop adding more and more of their problems to myself in order to help them I don’t know when to stop and I often end up crying because I feel like I’m not able to help everybody like I want to. I love loving my friends and I am more than happy to talk with them about their problems, either if it is about sex, personal problems, getting bullied/mocked in school, family problems and so on, and I guess it’s because I am a very emotional person. Other people’s feelings sort of transmit over to me and I sort of feel their anger, their sadness, and happiness and that Is why I can’t stand my friends being sad. It’s not because I try to help myself since I could just act like I don’t care when people I know are sad but I don’t.

I hurts when people you know are really sad, angry and frustrated with themselves and their life so I try to talk to them to help the sort out their feelings and try to find the root to their problems in order to perhaps help them I mean isn’t that what a good friend or member of a family should do? Take care of them who take care of you? SO if you are one of my friends who read my blog and need to pour out you little heart, just text me or talk to me over msn I will be more than happy to help and I’ve experienced a lot of stuff. I have a sister who was a cutter and a mother and father who had a depression, a friend who wanted to commit suicide, one who was confused about their sexuality and one who had a fuck ass boyfriend who almost raped her…. So I know a lot but I am not a professional. I just want to see my friends and family smile.

2 kommentarer:

Sa-chan sagde ...

Why you be such a good person?

Michelle sagde ...

Becasue I hate seeing people I hold dear, suffer in one way or another. It comes from when I was a teenager and my sister suffered from a depression, I let her down by not being there as a supporting big sister. So this is sort of a way for me to correct a horrible thing I did back then :)
but that you sweetie :D