Sometimes I know I can’t, but I want to help you dammit!

Have you ever had a friend, family member or class mate who you knew was a cutter or in another way a person who dealt damage to him or herself? Do you remember how scared you were when you found out, how disgusted you were? How your head started spinning with different feelings but the same question keeps popping into your mind every time… why? Why would she ever do this horrible thing to her/himself? Why would the person voluntarily leave a permanent selection of scars on his/hers arms, legs and stomach as a reminder of a horrible period in their life when they look at them? I don’t know but it scares the shit out of me when I see a person do it. In most cases it’s because they either try to control their cooped up feelings or to get attention in either way it’s a horrible thing to do.

People get so scared and angry when they see a person do it and I have seen e person do it. My own sister. I remembered being disgusted and getting nauseous when I saw her scars in her arms. She too had a tough period in her life, she couldn’t control her feelings and she had a hard time dealing with who she were and that she was the “grown up” in the family since my mother was hospitalized, due to her back. When I first saw her scars I felt like I didn’t know my own sister any more, it was like she was an entirely different person and I suddenly grew further and further apart from her. I am really sad about how I reacted back then and after what I saw there I tried to help everybody I knew with their problems.

The problem is just I always try to help everybody I know even if we’re not best friends or buddies but just friend, and that because I want everybody I know to feel happy and good about themselves. But I can’t stop adding more and more of their problems to myself in order to help them I don’t know when to stop and I often end up crying because I feel like I’m not able to help everybody like I want to. I love loving my friends and I am more than happy to talk with them about their problems, either if it is about sex, personal problems, getting bullied/mocked in school, family problems and so on, and I guess it’s because I am a very emotional person. Other people’s feelings sort of transmit over to me and I sort of feel their anger, their sadness, and happiness and that Is why I can’t stand my friends being sad. It’s not because I try to help myself since I could just act like I don’t care when people I know are sad but I don’t.

I hurts when people you know are really sad, angry and frustrated with themselves and their life so I try to talk to them to help the sort out their feelings and try to find the root to their problems in order to perhaps help them I mean isn’t that what a good friend or member of a family should do? Take care of them who take care of you? SO if you are one of my friends who read my blog and need to pour out you little heart, just text me or talk to me over msn I will be more than happy to help and I’ve experienced a lot of stuff. I have a sister who was a cutter and a mother and father who had a depression, a friend who wanted to commit suicide, one who was confused about their sexuality and one who had a fuck ass boyfriend who almost raped her…. So I know a lot but I am not a professional. I just want to see my friends and family smile.

Mor er den bedste i verden*.
(*Danish update)

Jeg elsker virkelig min familie og jeg er virkelig et familie menneske. For mig er min familie virkelig mit et og alt og vores familie har bare altid være sådan en der virkelig beskytter hinanden og dem vi har kær. Men en ting jeg virkelig bemærker når jeg ser på min familie er min mor. Min mor er lige fyldt 47 (uha for en ung dame) og hun er virkelig en enestående kvinde i min verden. Lige så længe tilbage som jeg kan huske (eller sådan føles det) har min mor altid haft døj med hendes ryg og jeg ved godt at det nok for andre virker som en trivialitet, alle har jo knas med ryggen af den ene eller den anden grad, men ved hende er det bare ikke det samme. Hun har altid arbejde for at tjene penge til familien sammen med min far og aligevel har hun altid været der for os. Men for en del år tilbage gik det helt galt med hendes ryg. Hun arbejde i sin tid på et mejeri i vores by og gjorde det i et stykke tid, før hun tog et andet arbejde på en fabrik i en by som ligger 6 km fra hvor hun før arbejde.

Hun tog altid bussen til og fra arbejde, og handlede ind når hun var færdig, men en skønne dag gik det helt galt. Hun havde arbejde på en forkert måde og det førte til hun fik en diskosprolaps i ryggen. Jeg husker tydeligt den dag det skete... eller det kan også være det var en drøm, når jeg kikker tilbage virker det stadig så uvirkelig for mig, og mange af tingene jeg prøver at huske omkring situationen er dækket i sort tåge. Det hele var så skræmmende. Jeg var ikke særlig gammel... nok kun omkring de 10 år. Jeg var med far oppe hos nogle venner i den by som vi boede i, hvor vi skulle kikke på høsten der skulle i hus i år. Det var varmt og jeg havde min cykel med, fordi det ikke var andet en 10-15 minutters cykeltur fra vores eget hus af. Det var vel omkring middag og der duftede støvet fra den tørre jord, fordi det var en knastør sommer, og op ad bakken kommer min lillesøster, for fulde pedal med tåre i øjne, op ad bakken til marken vi stod på. Hun var helt oprørt og far prøvede at berolige hende for at få og vide hvad der var sket. hun fortæller så at mor ligger på gulvet der hjemme og græder, og at hun ikke kan røre sig.

Far skyder sig hjem med os og vi ser mor ligge på jorden. Hun græder og hulker. Det var så skræmmende at se, hvad man i sin barndomsverden mener er et stærkt menneske som beskytter en, pludselig ligge der som et individ der udviser svaghed og som græder. Det var så urealistisk og så uforstående. Jeg husker ikke så meget der efter ud over at jeg husker at ambulancen ankom og at jeg selvfølgelig var ked af det, fordi nu skulle mor på sygehuset, hvad nu hvis hun led af noget virkelig alvorligt? Hele den uvished var kvælende og til og blive gal af. Jeg kan ikke engang huske om vi blev passet, eller hvad der skete efter det. Bare at det virker som om at jeg hele tiden kun har kendt min mor som en kvinde med ryg problemer.
Hun blev opereret for din prolaps og det hele virkede fryd og gammen igen. Det begyndte stille at vende tilbage til en normal hverdag, men hun blev ramt to gange efter det, nøjagtig samme sted. Og en af de sidste gange hun skulle under kniven, fik vi og vide at skulle hun nogle sinde få en prolaps igen og opereres for den, ville der være en 60% sandsynlighed for hun ville blive lam fra sin len og ned efter.

Det var en ting mor ikke kunne magte så hun takkede nej. Men nu var hendes brusk skive allerede så ødelagt af alle de operationer at hun ikke turde gå det igennem. Hun led under voldsomme smerter i lang tid, og det er først fornylig at de valgte at ty til en ny mulighed, som var et støtte stativ i den del hvor hun var skadet. Op og indtil hun fik den indopereret var det et helved for hende. Hver dag stod den på piller, hver dag var det altid en gamble for at se om hun havde det godt, eller om det var en af de dage hun havde det slidt, men hun holdte ikke op med og være en aktiv mor af den grund. Hun holdte sig til aktiviteter der ikke belastede hendes ryg for meget, og det var tydeligt hvor meget skade mange års arbejde med forkert bøj og løft, havde gjort ved hende. Det værste ved at have en mor der har det sådan er at man intet kan gøre for at hjælpe hende. Man føler sig så hjælpeløs når hun ligger og græder i smerte og hverken kan gå eller stå. Det gør ondt helt inde i hjertet, specielt når man elsker sin mor så meget som jeg gør. Jeg græd selv mange gange fordi jeg så gerne ville lindre hendes smerte men ikke kunne. Men jeg hadede når hun prøvede at lade som hun havde det fint og ikke lod sig påvirke af hendes smerter. Når man har boet sammen med et menneske i så mange år ender man med og kende dem bedre end de selv gør, og jeg kunne jo gennemskue hende med det samme, når hun havde det slidt og dækkede over det. Hun gør det stadig den dag i dag når hun har ondt, men har fortalt hende hun ikke bør. Vi kender hendes smerter og hendes ryg problemer så det er dumt ar skjule det, for ikke at belemre os med det eller for at skåne os.

Men det hele så ud til og ende godt. Sidste år fik hun som sagt opereret en støtteskinne ind og det hele virkede som om det nok skulle blive godt. Alene det at vi nu mere eller mindre kunne være sikre på at hun ville have en ens dag hver dag var en stor glæde for os alle, men den største glæde for min mor. Bare det og vide at hun endelig kunne stå op hver morgen uden smerter, udover hendes fantomsmerter var jo guld værd for hende. I lang tid virkede det også på hende, men her i Januar måned begyndte det at gå tilbage igen. Hun har ondt i hofterne og lægerne frygter at det der skulle have hjulpet hende, måske er det samme som nu har forsagte nye smerter. Vi beder og håber til det er tilfældet da det ville være sådan et tilbageslag for min mor. Der vare stadig noget tid før vi får svar.

Men det jeg vil fortælle med alt dette er at min mor er en kvinde der virkelig inspirere mig. Trod så meget modgang, smerte og svi holder hun stadig fanen højt. Hun smiler stadig og nyder stadig sit liv, trod smerter i ny og næ og det er virkelig stort. Det er smukt i min verden og jeg elsker hende så meget. Kan slet ikke forstille mig hvad jeg skulle gøre uden hende.
Så derfor, jeg elsker dig mor, du er den bedste i verden ♥♥♥
Du gør mig mere stolt end noget menneske i denne verden og jeg håber virkelig at forkæle dig på mors dag, elsker dig for evigt :')

Lolita shout out #3

It’s Thursday again and you all know what that means! That’s right Lolita shout out, yiaaaay! *hands clapping*

As a lot of you know I am a huge fan of Innocent World and so I will write about Innocent World… again. This time it’s about their two new releases: Linderhof and Versailles Rose. I really like the Versailles Rose jsk in chocolate and pink and if I had the money for it I would defiantly buy it…. And also if I could fit it. But the new items are really adorable and you can really see how they are getting their inspiration from spring. Their new floral print is just lovely. Is classic and has a red line through the entire print. What do I mean by a red line? Well In my opinion a lot of floral prints seems to be rather messy and it’s like you can’t find a focus point in it and it just seems annoying for me to look at. They are doing a lot with floral print and very light colours. And I must say it really falls into the felling of spring around it. The Versailles Rose offers a skirt (long or middle long), Jsk (short and long), Blouse, Socks, Ribbon comb, Head dress, bag and a Handkerchief and almost all of them comes in the combinations of beige and chocolate with either blue or pink as a kind of twist to it all. The Skirt and Jsk is to die for and I must say I don’t really fancy the socks. I’m pretty sure I’ve seen the print before or at least a slightly different version for it. I must admit that I am not much of a Handkerchief person, not even when it just comes to using it as a cute accessories rather than a functional item and I guess it comes with me coming from a family where a Handkerchief was meant to blow your nose in. And who in their rightful mind would ever blow their nose in a brand Handkerchief? I know they can be washed but I guess I would (if I ever did buy one) just use it as a mere accessory. When it comes to the Jsk the colours you can choose for it is just adorable! You can choose either chocolate or beige as a basic colour and pink or blue for the ribbons. I am really in love with the chocolate/chocolate cord but that is mainly because it reminds me of a nice cup of cocoa and it’s just so simple in a beautiful way. What I do like about this jsk is the little ribbon belt which gives a nice touch to the dress. The ribbons and frills on this jsk is really subtle and not at all over the top. It really works well with the dress over all simplicity.

Chocolate*Chocolate

The skirt is just as you would expect from a high waist skirt. Is comes in the same colours as the jsk and is not really that different other than the braid trims and buttons. It’s really beautiful and I would love to own it, but I am a little afraid of having my own high waist. And of course I would love to own this in chocolate as well, yum chocolate! Although I will say that I.W is begging to become somewhat bland. They make beautiful clothes, don’t get me wrong, but it’s like it’s always the same things they use. Same colour, same patters and so on. It’s almost like Angelic pretty, although Angelic pretty is just spewing new prints out almost every week and they are also just reusing the same things over and over again. And yeah I-W is doing the same thing, not updating with new things all the time but using the same secure patters over and over again. I do like them though but I would love to see it they are able to make something entirely new and innovative.

The Linderhof collection is not big and it doesn’t really offer much. A jsk a head dress and a choker. The Jsk comes in long or short and all the items have different colours to choose from: Beige, Saxe, Chocolate and Bordeaux and funny enough I find the Bordeaux to be more appealing than the chocolate version. It’s very graceful and the rose laces are really elegant, but it reminds me a lot about a princess when I see it. I have no doubt that it will look great with both the head dress and the choker, but for me it’s perhaps a little too sweet and girly. I would much rather want my clothes to be lady like rather than girly. I guess it would fit someone who wants to look like a elegant young girl. So tell me, are these items something you’ll want to own, and if so, what colour should it be with?

Saxe

Lolita shout-out #2

It’s time again for another Lolita shout out. And what will I be focusing on this time. As some of you know, I’ll be making these every Thursday and show one, two or more clothing both bran and off-brand and tell about them. It will both be things I like and don’t like. As mentioned before I don’t wear sweet anymore and I thought I would never wear it again, until kidsyoyo did this to me!

Melty Chocolate (Angelic Pretty) Sweet Little Chocolate (Kidsyoyo)

This dress is one that I would truly kill to get. I don’t know what it is about it I just fell in love with it as soon as I saw it. I love kidsyoyo for making those clothes they do, although most of what they make is copy clothes from other brands. And this is no exception, when I saw this I couldn’t help but thinking of AP’s Melty Chocolate series since it reminds me a lot about it. When you compare the two pictures with each other they do look totally different but yet they resemble each other so much. But I must say I do love AP and their sweet selection but here it’s kidsyoyo that takes the price. Don’t get me wrong here the AP dress is all very lovely but it’s just way to sweet whilst the Kidsyoyo dress is sweet but not to much, it’s almost like ot has sort of a classic feel to it. The AP dress has the classical cupcake line, which is very common in the sweet genre. The Kidsyoyo dress has more of an A line to it, like in many EGL, GL and Classic dresses. For me I would say that the kidsyoyo dress is more of a sweet/classic dress. It has a little something from both genres which is mixed very well together here to make a dress that is not to OTT sweet and a little OTT classic. Clearly a dress I would LOVE to have with everything to it. You can choose to get either the bonnet or the bow with the Kidsyoyo dress and I would defiantly prefer the bonnet (love those damn things).

Let’s move right along to Victorian Maiden. Oddly enough I’ve hardly seen anyone war anything from Victorian maiden and I guess it’s because it’s not really that big of a brand name yet. And how can it not be? The dresses all look a lot like what they have on I.W but still it feels like V.M is more mature that I.W. I like both brands since they are classic but I must say that V.M doesn’t have as wide a selection as I.W does. But they again V.M often has items that are sold out, like this dress

Long Sleeve over dress

Victorian Maiden is a brand I got into a little late because I didn’t really know about it. I was amazed when I saw how grownup and mature all of their dresses looked. As you can see on that picture they hardly have a lot of frills or bows on them and that is the most case for a lot of the dresses on the V.M site. The sad thing is that a lot of their dresses are always sold out. Especially this one. It’s sold out in all the versions you can get it and it makes me awfully sad since this is truly a dress I would love to own. It’s good for a girl who has a large bottom and wide hips since all the focus is laid upon the waistline and the breast, due to the ribbons. And the color is just lovely.

Lolita shout-out #1

I've been watching several blogs about the lolita fashion in all its terms and genres, as some of you might have seen in my blog list, and it all gave me the inspiration to talk about what brand and Lolita finds I want to own and what I despise (sorry girls and boys, sometimes you just have to take the sugar with the salt). If everything goes as it should I'll be doing this every Thursday. As I feel it myself, I’ve really grown into the Lolita fashion and I’ve gotten more and more found of it by the day. I guess it comes with that for the first time ever I actually feel like a lady (don’t get me wrong here) but I’ve always been so busy being the tom-boy of the family, that I hardly ever wore a dress or skirt as a teenager. I still got the tom-boy in me which (for those who know me real life) might see. I dress myself in t-shirts, jeans and so on and rarely dress myself in shirts with feminine undertones, such as ruffles and so. So for me to actually feel like a lady and a princess is truly magical!

But I still have the feeling of, when I started out in Lolita, that sweet wasn’t cut for me, and as I see it most lolitas start out as either sweet or gothic. Not all but most girls do. And I myself am one who is more of the mature Lolita kind of girl. I love the Aristocratic style, the EGL and GL style and my all time favourite stile of the all is indeed the classic Lolita look. The whole adult and regal look just really talks to me, and when I wear it I don’t feel like a cute doll, rather than a feel like an elegant you lady. I would love for my hubby to wear aristocrat with me but he isn’t really the type for that, he would much more refer for wearing alchemy goth which is truly awesome but expesive haha.

But since we are now speaking of wearing EGL an classic I would like to share with you some of the Lolita finds I found during yesterday, while roaming through the brand sites, looking for some clothes I would love to own.

Queen's Coach (Ivory)

This is truly and amazing dress and lately I’ve grown so found of Alice and the Pirates. I love the fairytale/piraty look their clothes have and how it’s actually very mature for a dress. The dress itself is just gorgeous in this version with black and Ivory missed together, it looks very regal and very classy. I wasn’t really into AnTP since I didn’t really know about them, I knew they were a sub category of BTSSB and at first I thought a lot of their stuff were well… cosplay-ish (rage screams from 1000 lolitas world wide) It was like the brand tried to take itself serious with piraty ruffles, but as time went by I started falling in love with this brand.

Lyra Jumperskirt (chocolate)

It took some time for me to realize just how much I love the classic Lolita look rather than the sweet. Don’t get me wrong here. I adore the sweet genre but for me it just wasn’t flattering, I look horrible in it, like a pig dressed in a pink skirt with puppies, urk! But it all changed when I bought me very first BURANDU DRESSUUUUUU!!!! Lol, my very first brand dress is my Angelic Pretty dress with no series name or anything. I fell in love with I immediately and bought it second hand from a girl in Germany. When I opened it and looked at it I remembered almost crying out of happiness. Not because I owned brand (lol I like off brand just as must as brand, if not more) but because it was really beautiful and it fitted me like a dream. It was in an almost peachy/dusty pink with a discreet floral pattern, it had a princess cut in the back and wasn’t overhung with frills and bows like most sweet stuff was, and I though in a long time that it was sweet, until a friend of mine saw it. Her and her BF was at our place so I showed her my pride and joy and she commentated in it. She told me it was a classic dress and that is sort of where it all started. I immediately fell in love with Innocent World while looking after classic and this is one of the dresses I would love to own. The Lyrical Jumperskirt in chocolate. I’ve really fallen in love with more down to eath colors like brown, black, beige, white and wine red and I guess it’s because I’ve grown a little older. For me I’m too old to keep on wearing super kawaii pastel pink and baby blue colors, so I like this dress a lot. It’s beautiful to look at with it’s dampen decorations, A line skirt and gorgeous chocolate color… But alas it was too small for me to fit into. So perhaps this will be a dress I will try to find the money for, when I’ve lost some of my weight :D

Oh btw, heres a picture of me from the meet-up in Randers. Yeah I look kind og goofy and my face looks fat, but this is what I wore that day, thanks to Sascha for taking the picture, haha ;D Gawd my hair looks aweful! Should have worn my wig D: